'Toned and really annoying' Gary Lineker's beach body and the rise of 'Spornosexuals'

Monday 14 July 2014

Real men not only bring home the bacon but they eat it too. Especially if you have a tiny amount of celebrity attached to your name: ie you once appeared on Countdown wearing a high-necked jumper and pair of Primark slacks.

Because however small your claim to fame, take off your clothes and you’re fair game. We all know everyone with a mobile phone is a paparazzo now. But after years, nay decades, of unfair professional pap pix of famous women not living up to expectation on the beach (a strip of cellulite there: shame on you, Jerry Hall; a small roll of tummy-flab here: Julia Roberts, get your act together! And a sausage clad in a burka whole-body swimsuit: Nigella, really) at last it’s the men’s turn.

Except, damn them, they’ve obviously been waiting to be papped for months, if not years. Enter Gary Lineker, pictured, snapped in Brazil looking, well, unlikely for a 53-year-old. Tanned, oiled, smooth-chested. Toned and really annoying.

The new in-word for guys like Gary is “spornosexual”, a metrosexual bloke (keep up, they’re so last year) who has updated his beach body to resemble a hybrid sport and porn star.

Apparently these new spornosexuals spend six months before beach exposure eating nothing but chicken, training twice a day in the gym, enjoying chest waxes and sunbed sessions. When they finally disrobe in Rio, Malibu or Barbados, they look the business, the Greek Adonis of the 21st century.

Read Richard and Judy's Daily Express column in full here.
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